The Ultimate Vampire Resource and Directory

The Redhead
21:10 Aug 30 2007
Times Read: 790

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her

body hurt wherever she touched it.



"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."



The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed,

then she pushed her elbow and screamed even more.







She pushed her knee and screamed; like wise she pushed her ankle and

screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.



The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?







"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."





"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

Winners
13:20 Aug 18 2007
Times Read: 800

A couple has a dog that snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop snoring. 'Yeah right!" she says. A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is amazed! Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her husband's testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly. The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he walks back into the bedroom he sees the red ribbon attached to his dog's testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I don't know where we were, or, what we did, but, by God, we took first and second place

I got a buzzzzzz
17:54 Aug 10 2007
Times Read: 810

AS A MOM PASSES HER DAUGHTER'S CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR, SHE HEARD A

STRANGE BUZZING NOISE COMING FROM WITHIN. OPENING THE DOOR, SHE OBSERVED

HER DAUGHTER GIVING HERSELF A REAL WORKOUT

WITH A MOTION TOY. SHOCKED, SHE ASKED: "WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOU

DOING?"

THE DAUGHTER REPLIED: "MOM, I'M THIRTY-FIVE YEARS OLD, UNMARRIED,

AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND! PLEASE, GO

AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."

THE NEXT DAY, THE GIRL'S FATHER HEARD THE SAME BUZZ COMING FROM THE

OTHER SIDE OF THE CLOSED BEDROOM DOOR. UPON ENTERING THE ROOM, HE

OBSERVED HIS DAUGHTER MAKING PASSIONATE LOVE TO

HER MOTION TOY. TO HIS QUERY AS TO WHAT SHE WAS DOING, THE DAUGHTER SAID:

"DAD I'M THIRTY-FIVE, UNMARRIED, AND THIS THING IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS

I'LL EVER GET TO A HUSBAND. PLEASE, GO AWAY AND LEAVE ME ALONE."

A COUPLE DAYS LATER, MOM CAME HOME FROM A SHOPPING TRIP, PLACED THE

GROCERIES ON THE KITCHEN COUNTER, AND HEARD THAT BUZZING NOISE

COMING FROM, OF ALL PLACES, THE LIVING ROOM.

SHE ENTERED THAT AREA AND OBSERVED HER HUSBAND SITTING ON THE

COUCH, DOWNING A COLD BEER, AND STARING AT THE TV.

THE MOTION TOY WAS NEXT TO HIM ON THE COUCH, BUZZING LIKE CRAZY.

THE WIFE ASKED: "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?"

THE HUSBAND REPLIED: "I'M WATCHING FOOTBALL WITH MY SON-IN-LAW."

The Wisdom Of A Woman
14:15 Aug 07 2007
Times Read: 814

A married man left work early one Friday afternoon. Instead of going home, however, he spent the weekend partying with the boys. When He finally returned home on Sunday night, his wife really got on his case and stayed on it.

After a couple of hours of swearing and screaming, his wife paused and pointed at him and made him an offer.

"How would you like it if you didn't see me for a couple of days??!?".....The husband couldn't believe his luck, so he looked up, smiled and said, "That would suit me just fine!!" Monday went by, and the man didn't see his wife. Tuesday and Wednesday went by and he still didn't see her.

Come Thursday, the swelling went down a bit and he could see her a little out of the corner of his left eye.

GOTTA BE ONE OF MY FAV'S
12:43 Aug 06 2007
Times Read: 815




Little Johnny was watching TV in his room one night & decided to go & ask his mum & dad about something he'd just heard.



He goes downstairs & asks them "What's Love Juice?"



Dad is horrified & after looking at mum who's also gob smacked proceeds to give little Johnny the dreaded explanation.



Johnny sits there with his mouth wide open in amazement.



Dad finishes the talk & asks "So what is it you've been watching that you shouldn't be?"



Johnny replies







"Wimbledon."

(that’s tennis for the non sporting types)

Its an age thing. lol
12:28 Aug 06 2007
Times Read: 816

A man walks into a chemist with his 8-year old son.

They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,

"What are these, Dad? To which the man matter-of-factly

replies, "Those are called condoms, son. Men use them

to have safe sex." "Oh I see," replied the boy pensively.

Yes, I've heard of that in health class at school."

He looks over the display and picks up a package

of 3 and asks, "Why are there 3 ?" dad replies,

"Those are for high school boys, one for Friday,

one for Saturday, and one for Sunday." "Cool" says the boy.

He notices a 6 pack and asks, "Then who are these for?"

"Those are for college men," the dad answers,

TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.

" "WOW!" exclaimed the boy, "then who uses THESE?"

he asks, picking up a 12 pack. With a sigh and a

tear in his eye, the dad replied, "Those are for

married men. One for January, one for February,

one for March, one for april,one for may........Ect

one of my favs
21:10 Aug 02 2007
Times Read: 819

An 18 year-old girl tells her Mum that she has missed her period

for two months. Very worried, the mother goes to the Chemist and buys a

pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!" The girl picks up the phone and makes a call.

Half an hour later a Ferrari stops in front of their house; a mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani

suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the living room with the father and the mother, and the girl and tells them: "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge..

I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her ife.

Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach front villa and a £2,000,000 bank account.

If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a £4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and £2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage I am not sure what I should do, what do you suggest I do?"

At this point, the girl's father who had remained silent, places a hand

firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You shag her again!"